The Chocolate Monster

I’m starting to get a little frustrated. Well, more than a little really.

See 3 weeks ago, I visited a friend in DC; in this friend’s apartment were mirrors. LOTS of mirrors. Everywhere I turned I saw my reflection, and honestly, after not seeing my full reflection (except in pictures) regularly in more than a year, I was more than a little disgusted with how much weight I’ve gained.

For some reason, while I am pregnant, I lose weight and once I am no longer pregnant I gain. And I gain A LOT.

So on my way home, I made a decision to lose weight. I’m healthy…my cholesterol is 117. My blood pressure is 102/70. My blood sugar is perfect. Rarely do I let my weight get me down.

But I’m finding it harder to do things. Cedar point is completely out of the question, for example, until I lose enough weight to fit on the rides. I go hiking with the family, but am always well behind (usually I’m carrying or pushing or backpacking Elizabeth, but still). I want to look hot for my husband.

So, three weeks ago I started counting my calories. Eating smaller portions, better foods, getting in more fruits and veggies and less fast food/junk food. And I’ve done well staying below my calories almost every single day. (this weekend was harder as I was camping with the folks. But I did try to make good decisions).

I feel like my clothes are fitting me differently too.

So why am I frustrated? Because I cannot visibly SEE the weight on the scale going down. The scales that are close to me (at home and at work) don’t go up to my weight so I have no idea where I’m at. Whether I should start cutting more calories. Whether I’m losing anything at all.

Part of me wants to say screw it. What’s it matter anyway? The other part of me is encouraging me to go on…afterall, my pants feel looser right?

So, how (on days when I am craving chocolate) do I not give in to the defeated, loser feelings? Any suggestions?