Fun With Google Patent

Okay, so you've been able to search patents via the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office's Full-Text and Image Database for a while. However, Becky from the Clinical Evidence blog posted on the new Google Patent search, and I've been having some fun playing around with the tool.

Patents Worth Viewing (click the links to see full descriptions, drawings, claims, dates, etc.):

Method and apparatus for treating and preventing urinary tract infections - "The method includes inserting a urine control device into a vagina of a female; followed by having the female urinate; and followed by removing the urine control device from the vagina. Preferably, the urine control device includes an anti-microbial agent." I don't think I want to know. Skipping to the next patent...

Personal Pelvic Viewer - "a hand-held instrument which a woman may place by herself into her own vagina to conveniently view and record video images of the interior of her vagina and cervix on a remote monitor, such as a television, computer display, or computer monitor...The PPV provides a convenient instrument that allows a lone female to observe the interior of her own vagina in total privacy for medical reasons, to determine her own fertility, and to observe her sexual response." Sweet. I want one. Science for Medical Advocates, Inc., send me one of these puppies for review.

Female condom

Body fat measuring system for pregnant woman and health care system for pregnant woman

Method for the selection of a feminine hygiene product system - "The method includes an information collection step, a system selection step, and a product provision step. In the information collection step, information is collected from a consumer regarding her menstrual cycle protection needs. In the system selection step, the information collected is used to select a system of feminine hygiene products from at least two of such available systems." This "system" would contain two "feminine hygiene" products from which to choose from. Apparently, we womenfolk need a complicated system for picking between two products. Or not.

Air sensitive rupture indicating condom - "When the colorless, air sensitive material is exposed to air because of a rupture in said first or third layers of said condom, the colorless, air sensitive material changes color to alert the user that the integrity of the condom is compromised." I was really hoping for a sound-based alert system. Preferably with Hal's voice - "Close the pod bay door, Rachel."

Contraception and flavor delivery system - "A contraception and flavor delivery system (10) includes an extended tubular member (20) having a closed distal end (22) and an open proximal end (24). The contraception and delivery system (10) further includes a mechanism for flavor delivery (30) formed on an external surface of the tubular member (20)." I think this is just a flavored condom, but you have to love patent language.

One for the men - Protective tube and harness - "Protective tube and harness for the masculine member. The tube continues with a hinge with a hole at their end. The member is placed into the said tube, fixed with adhesive tape to the hinge. This hinge is introduced in an external tube with another hole which matches with the hinge hole. A padlock fixes the hinge and the external tube. Two rings are added to the external tube in their ends being fixed to the human body with a harness by a cable or chain." I'm pretty sure the words "masculine member" and "adhesive tape" should never occur in the description of one product. It's proposed as a "method to assure masculine chastity ."

One more for the men... - Safe sex assurance devices - "A device which is worn as an undergarment which cannot be removed without destroying the device. The device is worn in order to guarantee that the wearer has been sexually faithful to ones partner."

Penis locking and lacerating vaginal insert - "whereby the rigid member is permanently locked within the housing member...a plurality of barbs formed on a front edge of the blade, whereby the blade may further lacerate a penis locked within the device." On the serious side, I'd really prefer if there wasn't a sexual assault problem such that someone thought carrying blades around in one's vagina was a good solution. Also, not really interested in being so intimately locked to an attacker.

Another anti-rape device - Anti-rape device - "...having a hollow housing adapted to be worn within a human vagina. The housing has a front opening and contains a hypodermic syringe having a volume of rape-deterring fluid and a needle facing and aligned with the front opening... Preferably, the fluid is a quick-acting, safe narcotic such as scopolamine, or the like to render the rapist unconscious." Nope, don't want to have to carry a syringe in my vagina, either. Points for being so very James Bond, though.

And another... - Anti-rape device - includes a "harpoon-like" device for "impaling" the penis. Here's another, with description featuring the words "barbed shank." And another, "to adhere to any rapist and an irritant-containing pouch positioned within the housing which ruptures upon forceful contact with the rapist." Oh, here's here's one more. And this one includes a belt. Or perhaps you prefer a crotch-covering web.. Okay, now I'm seriously disturbed by the number of these proposed products, and what they say about us.

Weighted sports bra - The last thing I want is more weight in my sports bra.

Forecasting system for menstruation of women - "A forecasting system takes advantage of an E-mail system of the internet to forecast different days of a following menstruation period of a woman via different terminals, such as a mobile telephone which supports WAP and a personal computer which is capable of connecting with the internet. The working of the forecasting system includes entering via a terminal relative information of menstruation of a woman, establishing a data base in a data server of the internet depending on the entered information, calculating an ovulation day, impregnable days, starting and ending days of a following menstrual flow of the woman, and sending out inquired forecast information to the woman via the different terminals." - That's high tech. I just go by the sore boobs and crankiness.

Female physical condition managing apparatus - "This permits women to realize quickly what physical or mental condition they are put in. The female physical condition includes the premenstrual syndrome." - Hoo boy, this is what we women have been waiting on! I never know what my mind is up to! Gah.

Labial sanitary pad - "A labial pad (30) having an anatomically conformable configuration with a generally ovate geometry defined by a principal longitudinal axis (L), a minor transverse axis (T) and a generally orthogonal lateral or height axis (H), is comprised of a laterally upwardly directed projection (52) lying generally along the longitudinal axis within the posterior region (54) of the pad and having a prominence (64) proximate the distal end (60) thereof tapering toward the proximal end (58) along the longitudinal axis and to the opposed sides (62) along the transverse axis, wherein the projection is configured for disposition within the vestibule (32) of a wearer over a region bounded generally by the posterior labial commissure (36) and the labia terminating at or about the latter and extending forwardly therefrom over the vulva, to occlude the vestibule against flow of menses or the like while protecting the urogenitals from chafing contact." - Huh, wha?

Sanitary napkin with hump and groove - Included just for the title.

Disposable combined panty with sanitary napkin - That's just wasteful.