So I have another HUGE post in my drafts. But I'm sitting on that one. Thinking about all the ramifications if I post it. Because it isn't pretty. At. All.
However, I felt it prudent to warn anyone reading my blog that you might want to stop from now on. It's going to turn to the ugly side of Lisa.
Why?
Because I have promised my husband that I will no longer yell at him. Ever.
The person he fell in love with is MUCH different than the person I am today. Unfortunately he hasn't changed at all...so it's not like I can throw that in his face. The person I am today, with him, is the person I guess I am on the inside. I'm raw. Feeling. Emotional. Angry. Tempermental. Controlling.
However, I've always been that way, I have just always been really, really good at hiding it. I used to be so upbeat and outgoing and I'm not like that now. So, I'm going back to that. I'm going back to how I was when we were just dating before I felt comfortable enough to let the beast out.
But that means that I have to vent *somewhere*. Otherwise, I'll explode. So, I'm venting here. Because one of the other things that I did yesterday was quit my mom's group. Where I had made some good friends....but the addiction of the board was taking over. I have an addictive personality and the board was keeping me planted on my ass instead of fulfilling my wifely and motherly duties. So I quit. They discontinued me as a member. I'm sad about that, but I feel it's for the best.
Have you ever sat down and think about how others perceive you? I guess I don't. Because according to my husband everyone else perceives me as a bitch. I don't see that myself. The people at work all seem to geniunely like me (even if I can't stand some of them). One of the guys I work with said he'd be sad if I left because he enjoys sitting next to me and having some intellectual conversation and debate sometimes. I've never thought about the things I say because I mean them how I say them...without much of anything behind it...but apparently it doesn't come across that way. So, now, I guess I'll be re-thinking anything I have to say. Or maybe I just won't say anything at all.
I have a black/white personality. I'm starting to realize this. It's all or nothing with me. Either I talk or I don't talk. But I don't know how to do it any other way. Either I do EVERYTHING in the house, or I do nothing. I've tried to work through some of these issues with counselors but the 2 I've gone to have done absolutely nothing for me. At all. Told me I need more time to myself and to control those around me so that I can keep better control of myself. Yes...she said that. No help at all.
So you have been warned.
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